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The Miscarriage: A List of 10 Euphemisms for Use in Stage Banter
by Douglas Kearney

foxes looted the coop.

God marked your draft.

cherries dammed the flume.

a kite fell in April.

an apple burst the nest.

some seminoles fled the field.

wagon crashed but we just saw the heartbeat in the furrow.

four alarm three days ago and next the doll factory.

rose bush week is Father’s Day no cabbage leaf.

red ants blitz the sugar bowl.


The Miscarriage: A Minstrel Show
by Douglas Kearney

Damn-Near Dam      husband! peel your peepers of their sandgrits
                                         imtermediately, says me your beloved.

Paterfamilisn’t          I hears not a cock crow but a crow crow.
                                        morning broke not water but tomato!

Damn-Near Dam      listen, my darkling. ain’t I tell you not
                                        to consummeat melon in our pallet?

Paterfamilisn’t          consummeat?

Damn-Near Dam      present tense of consummate.

Paterfamilisn’t          ah! but smudgy-poo: if’n I makes to eat
                                        sweet Georgia ham, antatomically
                                        speaking, mustn’t my palate get a piece?

Damn-Near Dam      lookee here, smokescreen: ain’t shit aunt-tomic
                                        bout this watermelon juice spilt betwick
                                        and betwaint my legs. sheets to glory pinked!

Paterfamilisn’t          then I ain’t red handed; you’re red-gamded!
                                        t’ain’t melonade if I ain’t ate any.
                                        sides: I ain’t see’ed no seeds by your fanny.

Damn-Near Dam       hog, hogslop and hogslop head! they making
                                        Georgia ham seedless now. the stain’s the thing!

Paterfamilisn’t           seedless!? then alas: I guess Ise undoed.

Damn-Near Dam       yes: un-dude. and she done. so Ise undid.

they cakewalk to the wings. Enter, bones.